Fear

I conquered a fear today. 


After I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy I had no feeling in both of my legs.  I have seen 7 doctors- chiropractor, neurologists, neurosurgeon, and family doctors.  The only diagnosis I have received is 'idiopathic neuropathy.'  I can't do physical therapy without a diagnosis and the neurosurgeon told me nerves don't grow back after two years...?  It's been a long four years.  No one knew what was happening or how it felt.  I could not hold Jack while moving- this is why I sit down if offered to hold your baby.  I couldn't walk without holding on to something and definitely couldn't run.  I had some falls here or there that caused bruising on my body and ego.  I've never been too athletic- I played soccer and ran around here or there, but not being able to choose not to run is incredibly upsetting.  I can't jump on the trampoline or chase the kids or skip down the street.  (not sure who does that, but I can't)  Because of the lack of feeling in my legs (which came back to some degree after intense chiropractic care within 6 months of having Jack) and poor balance I have been pretty inactive in the past four years.  I lost all muscle mass and have had some energy issues and am pretty weak/frail.




Well today my friends.  I hiked Erwin Park- 3 miles.


I used trekking poles and took a few breaks here or there.  It is scary to climb up and down hills and narrow paths, when you do not have 100% feeling in your legs.  I am so proud of myself.  I am thankful for this husband of mine who on our first date inquired about my walking (I can't walk in a straight line) and has been the kindest, most patient person ever since.  He encouraged me, challenged me, listened to me, every step of the 3 mile hike.  I found myself crying at parts.  I found myself angry at parts.  He helped me get past feeling sorry for myself, accepting what I have to work with, and encouraged me to push past it.  He told me to go easy on myself and to love this new me. 


It's taken 4 years, but I felt like I finally accepted this disability that I have.  I physically and mentally conquered something I did not know I could do. 

Love yourself, exactly how you are.  You will be amazed at what you are capable of.