Hope

photo by: Ellie Glidden

Don't mind my lovely bed head

This is my new shirt from Counting On Hope.  I wear it today for Camden and Jack.  Both boys were in the same class, two years ago.  Camden's mommy is admirable and I am so thankful to have someone else in the same boat, who is so faith-driven and brave.  Her pledge to remain hopeful is contagious and celebratory.

Through the good days and the hard days, let me remain hopeful as she does.

Buy a shirt like I did, they are so comfy and promote awareness!

Lately

Latest Happenings

These two love each other so much.  Jack adores Ellie and she is pretty much the only child he interacts with.  So thankful for her :)

Jack using his words to request something!  We have worked all summer on saying "I want ______" instead of just "______".  He is doing so well and making small but significant steps.  It's fun being his mom and seeing this growth- every inch is a celebration.  

Ellie shared with him.  She never fights with him and has the MOST allowing, gentle, kind spirit.  I am always in awe of her actions.  

We took a trip to the candy store downtown.  It was so much fun and delicious!

Jelly Beans!

Skittles, skittles, skittles!

Jack did this and I thought nothing of it but Jon's dad (Pappy) noticed that it looked like the arrangement of a keyboard….Jack types on word documents occasionally on my laptop….he has the greatest memory and is so observant of details that I don't tend to notice.

Jack not only spells sight words, but has been spelling the most random words lately.  He loves newts and spelled it while taking a bath the other day!

Jack loves wrestling and rough housing.  Add a trampoline and water to that?  Good times.

Ain't nobody got time for pants.

An impromptu water fight with the hose.  Water + Trampoline = Fun for both kids.  Ellie was giggling like crazy.  I love her belly laugh.

2 years together.  Blended families + Jack being diagnosed with autism + changing careers = a difficult road, but we have walked together every step of the way and are still going :)

Love bugs

Wearing our Sunday best!

Jack is so cuddly at times, but he is getting too big to hold :(  He's going to pass me up soon.  

Just as it is

I have compared myself to other women- their fashion, body, parenting skills, decorating and DIY skills, income, marriage, house, car, etc.  This is difficult not to do at times.  I have to remind myself that...

 

With shows like Fixer Upper where Joanna has the best taste ever and cute but expensive home furnishings and Nordstrom is all the rave on everyone's blogs.... it is difficult not to make comparisons.  Having a great wardrobe and a killer mantel isn't bad, but when you find yourself envious of others, you are entering dangerous territory.

 

I have found myself in periods of grief due to being the parent of a child with special needs or because of blended family difficulties.  I would look at pictures on facebook or instagram and become the 'must be nice' guy from the Kidd Kraddick bit on their radio show.  I compared my marriage or parenting skills to others based solely on pictures.  I have learned that everyone does not have life all figured out.  What is seen on facebook and instagram is edited or given a 'glaze' or 'effect.'  On the other end of that phone or computer are imperfect people living imperfect lives just like me.  It is important to remember that everyone has their own struggles and hardships.

 

As a woman I want to encourage other women and live life beside them rather than compare my life to them.  When you are busy comparing your life to others you cease to enjoy your own.  

When I was a senior in college, the pastor of my church died.  Even just typing those words brings tears to my eyes.  It was the hardest thing I'd ever gone through.  At the time I'd only known death as something far away and a visitor to the old or chronically ill.  This was very sudden and unexpected.  As my friends and I mourned our loss, we found comfort (and still do) in his last words.  I hope you do as well and remember to live in the present and enjoy your own life just as it is.

Live. And Live Well.
BREATHE. Breath in and Breathe deeply. Be PRESENT. Do not be past. Do not be future. Be now.
On a crystal-clear, breezy, 70-degree day, roll down the windows and FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of the sun.
If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool autumn day to FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.
Get knee-deep in a novel and LOSE track of time.
If you bike, pedal HARD … and if you crash, then crash well.
Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well-done- a paper well-written, a project thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.
If you must wipe the snot from your three-year-old’s nose, don’t be disgusted if the Kleenex doesn’t catch it all … because soon he’ll be wiping his own.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, then GRIEVE. And Grieve well.
A the table with friends and family, LAUGH. If you’re eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke. And if you eat, then SMELL. The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven. And TASTE. Taste every ounce of flavor. Taste every ounce of friendship. Taste every ounce of Life. Because it is mostly definitely a gift.

Confessions

Some of my deepest, darkest secrets revealed!  SSShhhh...

1.  I love Celine Dion.  I mean l-o-v-e.  I know every word to every song.  One time when we drove back from a visit to Waco, I drove while Jon slept.  He woke up to me whisper belting 'Because You Loved Me.'  He was in awe of my performance ability, my synchronization, and my general beauty.

This is as close as I have gotten to Celine.  When I lived in Las Vegas I visited the gift shop in Caesar's.  

2.  Sometimes when I think before I talk (it's rare, but it happens) or when someone else is talking, I type out the words in my head- as in I have a keyboard in my head.  This is either characteristic of a neurotic weirdo or a hidden genius.  I'm going to go with hidden genius. 

3.  I cried during a commercial at the movie theater last week.  Jon and I went to see a movie and this commercial was on before the previews.  It was the Google commercial.  Makes me so emotional to see that girl and boy excited about getting into college.  We laughed at the fact that I was crying during a commercial before the previews at the movie theater.  I'm a sensitive soul, what are you gonna do.

Fear

I conquered a fear today. 


After I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy I had no feeling in both of my legs.  I have seen 7 doctors- chiropractor, neurologists, neurosurgeon, and family doctors.  The only diagnosis I have received is 'idiopathic neuropathy.'  I can't do physical therapy without a diagnosis and the neurosurgeon told me nerves don't grow back after two years...?  It's been a long four years.  No one knew what was happening or how it felt.  I could not hold Jack while moving- this is why I sit down if offered to hold your baby.  I couldn't walk without holding on to something and definitely couldn't run.  I had some falls here or there that caused bruising on my body and ego.  I've never been too athletic- I played soccer and ran around here or there, but not being able to choose not to run is incredibly upsetting.  I can't jump on the trampoline or chase the kids or skip down the street.  (not sure who does that, but I can't)  Because of the lack of feeling in my legs (which came back to some degree after intense chiropractic care within 6 months of having Jack) and poor balance I have been pretty inactive in the past four years.  I lost all muscle mass and have had some energy issues and am pretty weak/frail.




Well today my friends.  I hiked Erwin Park- 3 miles.


I used trekking poles and took a few breaks here or there.  It is scary to climb up and down hills and narrow paths, when you do not have 100% feeling in your legs.  I am so proud of myself.  I am thankful for this husband of mine who on our first date inquired about my walking (I can't walk in a straight line) and has been the kindest, most patient person ever since.  He encouraged me, challenged me, listened to me, every step of the 3 mile hike.  I found myself crying at parts.  I found myself angry at parts.  He helped me get past feeling sorry for myself, accepting what I have to work with, and encouraged me to push past it.  He told me to go easy on myself and to love this new me. 


It's taken 4 years, but I felt like I finally accepted this disability that I have.  I physically and mentally conquered something I did not know I could do. 

Love yourself, exactly how you are.  You will be amazed at what you are capable of.  

Love is not a Fairy Tale

Love is not a fairy tale.  It is so much more.

I have learned the secret of love in these past two years.  I never knew the secret and was far from knowing it when I entered our marriage.  When life gets crazy and the hard days come (which they do), that romantic comedy- kiss in the rain- kind of love, does not get you through them.  It's a deeper love...an unconditional, committed beyond compare, loyal to no ends, in your innermost parts, love that gets you through the storms and the bumps in the road big or small.

I made a vow and a commitment to love Jon until the day I die and will do this despite our stubbornness, pride, complete opposite personalities and interests, and annoying habits.  No argument is too big or too many.  Marriage is work- We work every day to communicate better, laugh more, let go more, and compromise more.  

Some of my favorite things about my husband:

1.  Jon is always positive.  He always laughs things off and turns things into a positive light.

2.  Jon knows that words are my love language and feeds me those words in a variety of ways every day.

3.  Jon is a really good listener and always gives feedback that reassures you he was listening.  Unless he is people watching or playing a video game.  Then you have to grab his face and say look at me!  ;)

4.  Jon never complains. 

5.  Jon plays with our kids and puts a focus and emphasis on 'family' which is important to both of us.  I love watching him spend his free time with our kids- playing teacher, wrestling, riding bikes, jumping on the trampoline.  

6.  Jon wakes up saying I love you and goes to bed saying I love you.  And when he says it, every time I know he genuinely means it. 

 

We are celebrating 2 years together on the 27th.  We plan on celebrating this weekend.  What crazy person gets married in July in Texas? This girl :)  

Our photographer told Jon to kiss my forehead and it was a hot, sweaty mess.  What else can you do but laugh ;)

Food!

Here are some recipes that I love and make often :) They are mainly from Pinterest :)  If I didn't have Pinterest I'd be hungry, naked, and have a dirty house. 

Root Beer Brisket Tacos

I love the mixandmatchmama recipes!

Jon and Ellie raved about these- Jack said 'yummy!'

*I use taco shells instead of tostada shells*

Bacon Chicken

So delicious- I make extra bacon and cook it a little before wrapping it around the chicken.  Great with fresh green beans and pine nuts and some mac n cheese!

French Bread Pizza

We add veggies on top- so simple and fun to make with the kids.

Sausage and Potatoes

This is great with corn on the cob!

Shrimp Alfredo

This is Ellie's favorite- she calls it 'French Alfredo' :) Super easy and quick!  

I buy a frozen bag of small cooked shrimp from Target, two jars of Alfredo sauce, fettuccine, and parmesan cheese.  I defrost the shrimp then cook it on Med. heat with some butter.  Then I throw in the alfredo sauce, some garlic salt and garlic powder, and parmesan cheese (handful).  Cook some fettuccine then pour the shrimp/alfredo on top and enjoy!

Beef Enchiladas

This is the recipe from the Old El Paso Enchilada sauce can- they are yummy and filling!  I use beef and add chopped green chilis to Jon's for flavor and some heat.  Great with chips and salsa or some Spanish Rice.

Sounding the Alarm

Watched the documentary, Sounding the Alarm, on Netflix.  If you want a better understanding, watch it.  I am thankful that we don't need assistance with insurance for therapy just yet.  Our insurance does not cover it.  Most insurances do not or if they do, it is very little.  Luckily, he is in a PPCD STC classroom and receives speech therapy services through school- which is free.

It was interesting to hear them talking about the causes of autism.  It is insane to me that autism is on the rise and is so severe with our baby boys, and there is NO KNOWN CAUSE OR CURE. 

Loved when one of the moms said she can't talk about long-term goals yet and how hard it is to think about what it will be like in adulthood for her son.  It's easier to take it day by day and focus on the present.  I do want to fully prepare Jack for his future as best we can, but who knows what will happen or what Jack will be like by then.  No need to worry and fear for the future.

My sweet SIL, Vanessa, sent me this article.  This is how I feel everyday- even this morning dropping Jack off at summer school which is specifically for special needs children in our district- he had a melt down and there were at least 15 special education teachers staring at me.  One finally offered to help but one said to me, 'why is he upset?'  I looked at her dumbfounded that she was asking this.  'I have no idea' was my response.  He didn't want to leave me, he didn't want to put shoes on, he didn't want to walk by the bus without singing the wheels on the bus like we always do, who knows.   He had overwhelming intense feelings about something and doesn't know how to deal with them.  It happens throughout the day.  Thanks to ABA training, his meltdowns are fewer and shorter, but they happen.  Thankful for the words of this mom in this article.  The staring happens even if it's people who you think 'get it'.  It's important to remember that I only should care what this guy thinks of me.

We will be walking for Autism on October 18th in Dallas.  Check back soon to join our team or get details on a fundraiser we will be doing.  :)

Five Things

1. I've been having Ellie write letters to people this summer to sharpen her writing skills.  She is doing amazing!  You would not believe she is only entering the first grade!  I teach language arts so her reading and writing is fabulous… not so sure about math and science…. lol :)

We wrote letters to her grandparents in Nashville, Mrs. Tilley (her kindergarten teacher and my new bestie), and her cousins- Eli and Peyton.  More to come…. so check your mailbox soon!

She had to wear my hat to the mailbox :)

2.  I bought a little magnet holder at Target and wrote down all the meals I make on note cards so when I am trying to plan meals for the week I don't have to think, "Now what do I make?"  There are only about 20 cards in there thanks for the picky boys in our family….Ellie and I will eat anything!  This will make planning faster for sure.

3.  I made this card for our anniversary on Shutterfly- Treat.  It wasn't expensive and was a lot of fun making- he will go aww and leave it on the counter until I throw it away, but it's totally worth it!!  sigh, boys  ;)

4.  Ellie wanted to put a picture in this little frame we found at Michaels.  She went and got this picture and put it in….. hahaha.  Love that she has a picture of herself on her desk!

5.  Jack got a haircut.  Jon usually just quickly buzzes it and we let it grow out until he needs another.  He tried to style it a little this time… sweet boy has cowlicks like me :( He looks adorable though!  It was 25 minutes of a squirmy, screaming (I mean, screaming) boy.  It's painful to experience so I'm not looking forward to the next one.  Any other moms dread taking kids to get hair cuts?  :)

His new favorite thing is to eat popcorn and watch Frozen.  He loves the music!

Lets go see some animals!

Jack is certainly obsessed with the abc's but he loves animals as well.  The kids usually go to their other parents on the same weekend, but last weekend we only had Ellie and went to Six Flags, did fireworks, went hiking at Erwin Park, and went out to eat a lot (things we can't do with Jack).  This weekend we have just Jack.  We decided to try the zoo.  I was nervous because he has meltdowns and it's very hard to have those in a public place, but we kept an open mind that if it didn't work out we could always leave.  We also had a free ticket.  Well let me tell you………..

It was magical.  You know those moments where you are like "Yes!  This fits, it's meant to be! " (I felt that way on my wedding day) I had that feeling at the zoo.  We don't get to do too many things with Jack due to sensitivities, behavior, and interest so finding this match was beyond thrilling.  He LOVED it.  He loved getting to walk around with space- he walked beside us and occasionally held hands, but loved the freedom.  He and Jon ran up and down the sidewalks and he sang the abc's as he trotted down the paths.  He loved every animal, especially the penguins, elephants, flamingos, and iguana.  He loved playing in the water at the Children's Zoo and feeding the goats.  He also enjoyed riding the train and carousel.  He was so happy on the way and while we were there and all of the way home.  He kept saying P!  P is for penguin!  It was so great to be able to see the animals he talks about when he says the abc's.

We got to meet the cheetah and dog who are best friends.  They were in People Magazine.  We saw them up close with trainers.  The cheetah really liked Jack- pretty sure she wanted to EAT him.  She attacked the fence- jumping and rearing back.  She went crrrrrrazy when he ran up and down the sidewalk.  The trainer was flipping out so we left….

He was sooooo happy :) Which makes me happy!

He loved the flamingos and giggled a lot when they 'ran' across the water

 He rode on the Tiger and yelled 'Mommy!'  'Where Mommy!!!' most of the ride :)

He kept smelling the goat's bottoms…no idea..

His favorite part.  He kept wanting to get in every animal's water area.  Jon had to hold him to look at animals because he tried to jump out of my arms twice over a rail and he is pretty strong now.  He had no concept of 'danger.'  ;)

This was hilarious because he kept high-fiving the iguana thing and kissing the glass and the iguana kept kissing and high-fiving back!

Jon and I have both been to Africa so we were like pshhhhh :)

He LOVES elephants

He was not interested in a picture but I enjoyed the snuggles!  What a wonderful experience!!!  So glad Jack was able to do something fun and new that perfectly met his interests!

*We went at 9:00- when it opens- it wasn't too crowded and it wasn't too hot!*

The Evil Step-Mother

Lots of movies present the step-mother as being evil.  She comes in and ruins the life of the child and is pretty much a big meanie.

I have never really known any step-parents very well.  My mom is actually one but we hadn't really ever discussed it and I saw my half-brother as my brother.  All I knew was from these movies.  So, when Jon and I got married I didn't have many pre-conceived ideas or thoughts about step-parenting.  It was a lot like babysitting or teaching at first- playing with and hanging out with someone else's kid.  But, like all of life- reality is hard and when it sets in, it can be rough.  Jon started working late and working overtime.  I was meant to watch Ellie all day and all night at times on our weeks.  Let me stop here and tell you how well-behaved Ellie is.  She always follows the rules and a simple talk or look can correct any unwanted attitude or sassiness if it happens at all.  She is a good listener and very helpful with chores.  She is so good with Jack she could be a special ed teacher right now.  She knows the ABA training as well as I do ;) So, she is super easy to take care of.
But, when a child isn't with their mom or dad for awhile, the fun of the 'babysitter' wears off.  Bedtimes were hard and weekends were hard when Jon worked.  I totally understood not wanting to spend all of your time with this third person (me) but it was our reality and there were a few times I cried at night wondering how this all was going to work and what else I could do.

My first step was prayer.  My second step was taking it easy on myself.  My third step was to give it time and just focus on each day.

It was difficult trying to find my place as 'Meg' who was not her mom, because she has a great one already, but also not just a random babysitter.  I feel like I am very lucky because..

1. Ellie is Ellie and is the most loving person I know.  She has a heart of GOLD and is so accepting and so kind.
2. Jon is supportive and listened to me and encouraged the relationship between Ellie and I.
3.  Ellie's mother is and always has been kind to me and supportive as well.  We communicate and have a friendship that sets a wonderful example to Ellie.

The step-mother in Cinderella was certainly evil, but maybe if she had read a self-help book or sought counseling before marrying Cinderella's dad it would have been different?  :)  JK, but say a prayer for all of those who are out there blending their families.  It is a big statistic now for families to be blended and extremely difficult to stay away from the bad end of those statistics.  It takes a lot of love, hard work, communication, commitment, and some Jesus.

I hope this helps a step-mom out there somewhere.  Step-mom is not a bad word and I am very proud to be one :) I know everyone doesn't have it as good as I do.  It takes TIME.  Ellie and I have a relationship now but it took time to get there.  Here is a GREAT couple who are venturing out to share their story and help others make it through to tell theirs.